Pinkie Angel of Death

I lost Faith today. This is my second pinkie and my second loss, I didn't realise how crushing the little ones would be. Unlike Rudie, I felt like I had this one under control, I felt confident and she looked amazing. Then she was gone. 

My Mum was an amazing, experienced carer. She knew what to save and what to euthanise, so I guess I never saw the losses. Not the way I have now. I wish I could ask her, how did she always know? I guess she had years of experience to guide her. 

I am trying to focus on the positives and taking away that I couldn't have done much more for her. She just wasn't meant to be. I was warned that pinkies from vehicular accidents often have underlying issues, but I didn't realise how sudden they can strike. I thought we had made it through, she was finally hydrated, her skin was finally great, she was eating, gaining weight again and the poo shakes had helped firm up her gut. 9:00pm perfect, 2:00am gone.

I am so grateful to her, my time with her really solidified in my mind all of the lessons I have been learning about being a pinkie carer. She let me make so many mistakes and forgave me. She wanted to be here, that was the saddest part. My journal for her was 'Improving, improving, improving, deceased'. She taught me so much and I will always be thankful for that. I hope I can take those lessons on to my next pinkie.

We did everything to help her, all of the vet care, in home care and research we possibly could have done. 

It is hard, the burden of comparison is a heavy one. I see so many healthy, happy pinkies with carers who never lose them. It makes me second guess if I should even keep trying. If I am the angel of death for these little babies. 

I want to help, but I wonder if I am capable of it.

XXX